aK's GUIDE TO CLUBBING

As you can see from the photo (a very accurate portrayal of my weekend ), once I told them my tomato jokes, all these girls were all over me! This is what I would call a fairly successful night as I met 19 different beautiful ladies. As you could imagine it was a very busy weekend for the aK all thanks to the teachings of my new book. So what else happened on the weekend in the beautiful city of Seoul?

This Friday we took a trip down to HongDae, the area reknowned for its packed out westernized RNB clubs. Of course it wasn't my first time, but for my HongDae virgin friends - (in alphabetical order) Farma, Grimace & Horangi, it was like a step into a new world. We went to Q'Vo - a club I have been frequently visiting in the HongDae area and though it was very empty by the time we got there (11:30pm) things started to pick up like I predicted by midnight.

What was once a half empty area filled up with no space to move and before we knew it we were dancing our asses off. Although I urged my friends to dance with the ladies, they insisted on dancing with each other. Golden Rule no.1 - Have some bloody confidence!! These guys really need to read my book.

You see, in Korea, the guys just move up to the ladies and get their groove on, winding and grinding their hips to the rhythm and if the lady don't like it she can move away but most of them tend to stay. It's too packed to move. If she does move away, don't be disheartened, just go dance with the nearest cutie available and try your luck there. To my friends, this seemed like a foreign concept and unfamiliar territory so the intimidation drove us out of the club by 4:00am, way too early for a Friday night/Saturday morning hence MISSION QVO FAILED MISERABLY.

As you can see above, Farma and Grimace could not get to sleep as they were reflecting on their dismal performance in the club. As their teacher, guide and mentor I was put to shame and I was overcome with grief which I slept off with relative ease.

So after that Friday night we were training hard to be the premier clubbers, chick-pickerupperers, dancing machines and whatever else you might want to call it. We trained all Saturday by doing sit-ups, push-ups, dancing in front of the mirror and so on. We also visited the casino to study the art of "How rich men pick up chicks". What we learnt was that if you had money, you could buy chicks! So we tried our luck on the dice and what happened? We went from riches to rags. Actually, we went from rags to less rags.

So we went to drink our sorry asses off at Kangnam where we shared around 3 liters of soju and 4 liters of beer. So I had a prep talk with the boys, trying to motivate them and get them pumped up to succeed in the clubs and I tested them out with some trivia.

• aK: "Farma~! What's the capital of Canada?"
• Farma: "Toronto"
• aK: "No..."
• Farma: "Vancouver"
• aK: "No... Starts with O..."
• Farma: "Umm I know this I know this..."
• aK: "Second letter T..."
• Farma: "OLANTO!!!"
• aK: "What the.....? It's Orlando... and No that's incorrect! The capital of Canada is Ottawa"
• Horangi: (To Farma) "Man how dumb are you? I can't believe you didn't know"
• Farma: (To Horangi) "Did you know?"
• Horangi: (Quietly) "No"

I can't stress this enough: EDUCATION IS VERY IMPORTANT. Of course it's not the end of the world if you don't know what the capital of Canada is but when you're faced with on-the-spot questions as the one I asked Farma, you have to know how to handle it. Education provides us with the skill to handle such questions and girls love smart guys. No girl wants a drop-kick.

Fortunately for us, Saturday night presented us an opportunity to redeem ourselves as I shepherded my friends Farma, Grimace and Horangi to the clubs of Kangnam - Seoul's no.1 hotspot for drinking and Seoul's most pricy area. Here we visited the notorious club NB which also has clubs in HongDae & Abgujeong. This time we got in at about 2:00am and it was packed.

I really needed to chuck a shit because of how much we ate and after I got out of the washroom I saw something which made me very proud. I saw my friends dancing with girls! Amazing! My students have learnt and they have learnt well. There was booty shaking, ass groping, winding and grinding and more importantly, they had huge confident smiles on their faces. So I asked them, how'd ya pick up all these chicks to dance with? They all answered "I told them one of your tomato jokes".

So as you can see from the above photo, this is proof that my book on how to pick up chicks really works.  Congratulations to Horangi who is the first one to graduate from the "How to pick up chicks" course. He has obviously been studying the book and he has reaped the rewards. There was no one as happy as him on that night. I, on the other hand told some tomato jokes to the wrong person. Being blind drunk, I accidently told them to Farma and in a matter of seconds he was drooling all over me.

Oh and how could I forget about my last student Grimace? He also picked up as well~!! So all in all, it was a great night with Farma getting picked up, Grimace picking up and Horangi picking up. These boys have learnt well but they all give credit to my book "How to pick up chicks" and they totally recommend it. I will finish this post with one last picture of Grimace and the chick he picked up. She looks so happy!!!

*Disclaimer: Photos and stories may have been altered slightly for ther purpose of entertaining the reader. The stories are more personal opinions and should not be taken as factual recounts. The writer was also under the influence.

HOW TO PICK UP CHICKS

It's hard meeting friends at night, going to work in the morning. This is why I have decided that I do not want an office job with 70 hour weeks. If you work that out, that's a 12 hour day everyday with little to none time for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I am really struggling with this whole working and playing cycle even with 11 hours a week~! There goes my plans of becoming an investment banker. 

Right... so it's the first time I've been home so early and to commemorate/celebrate I have decided to write up a xanga post. Not a normal Xanga post but a really really funny one. You see, when I drink, I like to drink hard. When I drink hard, I get a little bit drunk at times. In the photo above you see what happens when you come out for a drink here in Seoul with the aK. Between the four of us we had 10 bottles of soju. Thats approximately 80 shots in total and a tally of 20 per person. That's alot of alcomohol. Thus you see my friends.... KO'd~!

One of my favourite pasttimes is telling jokes while drinking. This is one easy way to pick up chicks. When they hear my jokes, they totally fall in love with me~! Hahaha~!! So for all the guys out there, if you want to pick up a chick this is the way to do it:

First open up with the usual funny jokes u know... like warm up a little. "Why did the boy fall off the bike? (Someone threw a fridge at him...)" or "Why did Susie fall off the swings? (She had no arms...) Puhahaha... sorry I couldn't help laughing... Ok... now if she knows these then skip them before she starts telling the jokes... You don't want her to start telling the damn jokes~!! You see... guys think girls have a sense of humour if the girl laugh at his jokes. Girls, on the other hand, think a guy has a sense of humour if they make them laugh. Thats just funny cause it's true.

So once you've warmed up you're ready for the Tomato section. This is my favourite section because I love my tomatos hence my love for tomato jokes. Ok... So you start off with the "Why did the plane crash? (The pilot was a tomato)." Puhahaha~!!! When she's stopped laughing... [if she stops laughing.... ok...if she starts laughing....] then you start going through the tomato routine... "Two tomatos were walking and one fell back so what did the other one say to the one falling behind? (Ketchup).... What's red and goes up and down? (A tomato in an elevator) What's green an goes up and down? (A green tomato in an elevator) <--- puhahahah~!!"

By this time, they should be laughing so hard that they're passed out on the seat thinking to themself: "This guy is the funniest guy I've met~!!" If you're not sure what I mean then please refer to the photo above for a detailed diagram. There are many more steps to master the art of making-the-girl-laugh-and-turning-her-into-your-girlfriend but you will have to buy my book for more detail.

This is just an extract from "aK's Guide to Picking up Chicks (Non-daterape version)." If you would like to purchase this then please visit my website. We accept Paypal or direct deposit. There is a 30 day didn't-get-a-girlfriend-period where we will give you a *full refund if you have read the book and applied it in a real life situation.

*full refundswill only be given to male specimens who are a certain level of handsomeness. There are some cases where my jokes alone will not be enough to pick up chicks. For confirmation of availability of the refund please send in a photo and we will send you an email letting you know whether you are legible for the refund. Thank you.

Haven't really posted in a while and its largely due to fact that I've been unbelievably busy and too tired to type. Let me start with last weekend which was spent at the slopes of ¿ëÆò- easily Korea's largest ski resort. I was excited about skiing but I got more excited about driving the vehicle you see above - The Kayenne Turbo, brilliantly engineered by Porsche. Not only is this the first Porsche I've seen in Korea but it's also the first Porsche I've driven. Now it may not look like a fast car, but we all know looks can be very deceiving.

So my family and I spent the whole weekend at the slopes slumbering at two seperate condos - one right next to the ski resort which was rented out so we could have a convenient meeting point and also a ski lodge, which was a very nice little 2 bedroom hotel apartment. It was a very tiring weekend and it was the first time I got to taste the infamous Ballantine's 30 Years. It was quite a nice trip for me but it was also a very tiring trip as I got back home on the Sunday near midnight and prepared to wake up for work at 6am.

Then my hectic week was about to begin starting with that Monday when I would goto my morning job teaching business english to corporate employees in Àá½Ç, goto JCEducation at °­³² to plan a program for a new student of mine, goto Âüºû±³À° at û´ãµ¿ which is meant to be like a rich rich area in °­³², to teach a five year old girl and then head off to the airport to pick up Horangi (ETA 2pm) and Grimace (ETA 6pm). After waiting for these clowns we shoved all their luggage in my tiny dorm and went out to celebrate our first night in Seoul together with some °í±â and ¼ÒÁÖ.

The week continued with me joining a new Çпø in °­³². This job turned out to be very fun and I really get along with the principal. She has already paid me 300,000won for filling out four applications to America's leading boarding school and thus, another contract was signed. Now I have signed a total of 4 contracts, teach a total of ten students, and make a substantial amount of money a month. It looks like I will be able to get that GUCCI belt after all~!

On top of this, I've also been running around for my own business- http://akexports.tripod.com for anyone who's interested. I've been looking around for more items, new suppliers because I have been selling so many these days it's become hectic. Now I have to warn you that the items I'm selling, like the Gucci Money Clip you see in the picture of the last post are not exactly original GUCCI items. Somehow ebay found out about this and they have suspended my account till further notice. These assholes have put a big bullet in my chest as I eagerly await the coming of Monday when I will fax them a request for reinstatement of eBay Account form.

I have two friends leaving this weekend. One heading for Sydney and one heading back to Missouri in the states. Somehow I fit them into my busy schedule which meant that I have stayed out drinking with them and had gone home late and still I have managed to wake up at 6 the next morning to teach. I have found a new side to myself, an aK who wakes up on time. I remember when I had my HSC english exam, I was sleeping over my good friend Àμö's house and when his mum tried to wake me up she discovered how deep I could sleep. She eventually woke me up but not before she had to resort to some form of violence - slapping me in the face a couple of times. I also woke up with a bleeding forehead.

It's finally the weekend (Saturday) and I am still digesting my fair share of the 10bottles of ¼ÒÁÖ my mates and I drank last night. I want to get some rest at home but I feel so bad to my friends who flew here to see me. Although I have met them whenever I had any spare time, we still haven't been able to do anything but just eat and drink. I want to goto the slopes with them or see attractions but my time is limited and even on a Saturday I would much rather rest at home. My cell phone just vibrated with a message "Let's go clubbing". Though it's hard to fight the urge of sleeping all day, I know I have to go out and play.

Ok... as a commerce student I've acquired a concrete understanding of demand and supply which, to me, determines the price of a good or commodity. You can understand my surprise the other day when I walked into Gucci to find a belt that cost over 300,000won which is over $400~! I must admit it was a very nice belt and I was tempted to buy it but then the thought of spending $400 on a leather strap designed to keep your pants on would have burdened me with an indescribable guilt. There was also the fact that I didn't really need any help keeping my pants on.

I was actually taking Grace and Farma around the shops of ¸íµ¿ when we decided to look into all the upper class stores like Louis Vuitton, Chanel, Gucci, etc. It was quite an experience because even though we may have looked poor (with my army camouflage pants and my $10 giordano shirt), the fact that we spoke English meant that as foreigners/tourists there was still a possibility of us being rich hence no one gave us dirty looks.

I realised how rich the rich must be, as their disposable incomes sum up to figures most of us would be lucky to make in a year. That Louis Vuitton retailer was more than enough evidence of the inequality of income, not only here in Seoul but also in every other developing or developed economy. With the same money they spend on a bloody bag, a family of 12 in Africa could be fed for well over a year.

That thought didn't last too long as I then found myself admiring those who were able to afford such lucrative prices because they somehow found a way to make more money than others. I know people say "it's only money" and there are much more important things than just money and I agree - most of the time.

I understand that there are more important things than money, one of them being health. It's sad to see a rich man spend all his life making as much money as he can but then finding himself in a hospital bed with some uncurable illness. As sad as it might be, it is also often the case hence there must be some inverse relationship between health and money. Even sports stars who make all that money find themselves breaking bones here and there.

Relationships - that's a hard one. I understand relationships are more important than money but I have one thing to say: Never mix friends and money. That's when problems start to arise and that's the only reason why you might be confronted with a choice between relationships and money. So what about romantic relationships? We all know that money pulls chicks. Yeah sure they say "money's not an issue" but that's like guys saying "it doesn't matter what she looks like". No guy wants to be seen with an ugly chick and I know that no girl wants to be caught dead with a fugly guy. The only reason why we do see such things in life is because beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I think in the end, if you ain't getting paid, you aint getting laid.

You see, money is more of a measuring tool. It measures how lucky, determined, skilled, zealous, blessed a person is. Only a few things are under our control and to maximise our incomes we have to maximise the aspects which are under our control, say, determination. With this would come hard work and hard work will never go unrewarded.

Another year has gone in the blink of an eye and I still find myself in the financial position I have been in the last how many years. Yes I do make money but even with income I also have certain expenditues. I see many people around me, graduating, making money, wearing business shirts and ties and yet I am still in uni getting $30 an hour for a couple of hours a week. I want to make that big money and I have to start now. It won't be long till Im 30 looking back on my life and when I do this, I don't want to be thinking " When the hell am I going to make some money?."

Its the year 2006 and I'm turning 22. I think it's time I start doing some serious money making and I know it's just a matter of going out there and doing it. I have to go out and find more items to sell on my website and ebay (like the Gucci money clip) which demands time and effort. I have to find more jobs like the one I just got - $45 bucks an hour for teaching some business english. I have to do these jobs to the best of my ability to build myself a reputation, a name for myself. I have to stop spending money or else I have nothing to show for my hard work. Let's do this. My new years resolution? Get that damn Gucci belt !

Christmas eve was spent at home reading John Grisham's A Painted House undoubtedly an awesome read. Then I went out to meet Farma and a ´©³ª that he came with. We went to ¾È¾ç to meet her friends and as you can see, we had many many drinks.

Ok. So what can you tell from this picture? There are a few things you should pick up:

1. At least one friend from Sydney cared enough about me to give me a call wishing me a merry christmas (Gracias Grimace)

2. There was ALOT of alcohol drunk because the person who took the camera couldn't keep his hands steady hence the slightly blurred photo from a thousand dollar camera.

3. I met the hottest chick in Seoul so far. A tall, mini-skirted, truly damn sexxable chick (the one right next to me). Farma and I were NOT drooling.

This was how I spent the late hours of my Christmas eve and the first moments of Christmas. We went to Á¤Àº´©³ª's house to crash the night and so I woke up in a girl's bed on Christmas - something I have always dreamt of doing. I also woke up with Farma next to me - something I've never dreamt of doing. MERRY CHRISTMAS